Monday, 30 August 2010

Wren never had this problem...

"I actually think it's pretty tasteful."
"You sound surprised?"
"Well, it's just that the guidebook said it was gaudy."
"Oh my..."

There's no point even asking...

"So, I just got to Buenos Aires -  yep, it looks like there's been another misunderstanding..."

Must be a Creationist then...

"Do not talk to me about f*cking Darwin. I have a hard-shelled back, a furry belly and my front two legs not only resemble twigs but they are also far too long for my body. The guy takes one holiday and thinks he knows it all. Survival of the f*cking fittest my ar*e (wherever that may be)."

Whispers in the wind...

"I think someone just called me paranoid..."

Thursday, 26 August 2010


"Ha! Looks like he was a nice guy!"
"Please don't."
"Better he never hurt anyone."
"Look, I know what you're about to say and I promise you it won't be funny and will make me think significantly less of you as a person."
"In fact I reckon he was completely 'armless'."
"Part of me just died.  That said he must have annoyed someone because it looks like he was 'lamped'."
"I don't get it."
"No, I didn't think you would."

The benefit of proper research...

"Sing it with me: 'Down at the Copa - Copacabana!' What time should we head out for our nocturnal adventures? I cannot wait!"
"I've just been looking on the web and it is says 'the title of the Barry Manilow song 'Copacabana' refers to a New York nightclub of the same name..."
"So, not Copacabana, Bolivia then?"
"It would appear not."

The truth is out there...

"Between a cat roaring like a lion hiding in a wheelie bin and cars reversing at pace down the road it was a bit of a strange day..."

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Reading the signs...

"'Questions about the use of cowboy hats should be directed to the tourist office.'"
"'Inquisitive hat wearers follow the tourists.'"
"No sorry, not a clue."

The truth hurts...

"Babe, babe! Look at that rock - bit phallic if know what I mean?!"
"Yeah! Reminds me of my ex!"
"Knew you'd spot it...wait, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

Monday, 23 August 2010

Boys will be boys...

"What are you up to at the weekend?"
"Oh yeah - meant to tell you - me and a couple of the boys are off to Amsterdam."
"Really? What's the occasion?"
"Do you know Dave? I think you must have met him at some point.  We quite often go rutting together.  Anyways, turns out he's met the girl of his dreams and has decided to settle down and get married so we're all going away to celebrate his last weekend of "freedom"."
"What did you just do with your hooves?
"Sorry, I was trying to do speechmarks for ironic emphasis.  Not easy when you stand on all fours and don't have fingers."
"Oh, right. So, the weekend away should be fun.  Don't those human types have a name for weekends like that - you know where all the men meet up before a wedding?"
"Not that i'm aware of."
"They definitely do - what is it?!"
"Sorry mate - I haven't got a clue. "

Allergic reaction...

"Er, yeah, so, erm - I agree this is what the leaflet promised but if I'm being truthful it's not quite what I was hoping for..."

Idiomatic neutrality; stereotypical nationality...

"Am I Swiss? No. Why do you ask?"

Sunday, 22 August 2010

In need of support...

"I know I don't move very quickly but this is f*cking ridiculous..."

She sure ain't purty...

"So, I'm at the top of the observation tower..."
"Oh yes, what a beauty! 525 feet in the air, 360 degree observation platform and perilous glass floors!"
"Quite.  You know what we forgot though?"
"No, I can't think what."
'The views."

Anyone fancy a drink...

"So, I just got to Barbados - I think there's been a misunderstanding..."

Saturday, 21 August 2010

My hands are tied...

"I just remember waking up the next day and thinking that my wrists were sore but also how that wasn't necessarily that unusual."

Friday, 20 August 2010

Out of the blue...

"If I'm honest there is no way I could have predicted how 'reverse diving' would change my life."
"You've certainly travelled extensively and dived in some fairly glamorous locations?"
"Oh for sure.  Fortunately I'm a bit of a cultural chameleon and feel equally at home in say a Starbucks in London as I do one in New York or even Hong Kong."
"Wow - I suppose."
"I guess next you're going to ask me for a funny story from my travels?"
"Well I do remember this one time now you ask.  As you would expect 'reverse diving' makes some incredible demands on your body and staying in shape is hugely important.  So there I am in deepest darkest wherever the hell it was and this little kid says to me: 'Oh you from London you live near River Fames'.  I said 'I think you are mistaken little boy - yes I live in London but nowhere near a River Fames', to which he said 'but mister big river in London called the Fames', now this had me perplexed for a while and then I suddenly thought he means the Thames! I laughed for a good long time about that one - I mean the 'River Fames'?!"

You've got it all backwards...

"A lot of people have asked me why I got into reverse diving and my reply is always the same:  the challenge.  There is something so rewarding about achieving a goal especially when it has never been done before.  That really appeals to me.  Yes, the training was hard and no, you don't get a lot of time for distractions but in the end it's all worth the effort."

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Winners don't get wet...

"I guess I wasn't initially aware of having a 'talent' per se it was more a case of realising that other people didn't.  That's one of my favourite quotes."
"Really? Who said that?"
"I did."
"Oh, right.  So, the video?"
"Yeah.  If I'm honest the day the video was shot is still a bit of a blur - I'd been so focussed on preparing that it all ended up happening very quickly.  I remember thinking I was in good shape, I'd stayed off the booze to keep my reactions sharp and my new diet ensured I had the requisite stamina. I can remember thinking that it was going well from the start - the initial dips and leg thrusts felt good and the only unknown was the ball throw.  Fortunately it was delivered perfectly; my eyes locked on and the feeling when ball connected with shin was one I will never forget."

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Toxic leak...

"I think I just killed a canary..."

Just say "No"...

"You don't think it's a little negative do you?"

For the love of fish...

"So - spill the beans - how did it go with that girl I saw you swimming with last night?"
"Really well actually, we had a good chat and things were going well..."
"...I don't know - sometimes it's just difficult to read the signs - you know?"
"Don't.  Don't even dare."
"You know what I mean?  She seemed keen but she also seemed a bit shy."
"Stop it. Don't say another word.  For the sake of our friendship shut up."
"I figure maybe she was just being COY!"
"And there it had to didn't you?  If I wasn't able to breathe under water I'd drown myself right now."

Into the den...

"Right - so tell me - what are your projected sales this year and then your forecast turnover for next year and the year after?"
"No se."
"Come on now.  You must know the costs to manufacture?  Take your sales price less your costs and multiply by the number of empanadas you expect to sell."
"No se."
"Stop saying that.  I don't know how you can expect to sell me the oddity of a savoury snack covered in icing sugar and not even have this basic information to hand.  This is too much for me.  I'm out."

"You know what?  I like the two of you - I see something of the younger me in you.  Now you're asking for 5 pesos for three empanadas.  I am going to give you the 5 pesos but I don't want three empanadas rather I want the entirety of your current stock, any associated recipes, all future profits and whilst we're here that umbrella as well.  Do we have a deal?"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Caged animal...

"'How much is that doggy in the window, the one with...'"
"Don't. Do not even think about it.  Shut up. Shut the f*ck up."

My message shall be heard...

"You don't think i've - you know - gone too far?"
"What?! No way."
"Phew.  I just thought maybe I'd overdone it slightly."
"Not at all. The message needs to be heard."
"Thank you.  I needed to hear that. Without my belief I don't think I could have ever got over the death of that child."
"Sorry?  What child?"
"Oh - I didn't tell you? Yeah - the other week I reversed over this kid - I don't know where he came from - I just didn't see him!"

Monday, 16 August 2010

Side street diner...

"Wow! You're looking well."
"Well thank you.  How very kind of you to say."
"New diet?"
"Indeed and a new fitness regime.  You've actually caught me pigging out - I figure if I am good all week I can treat myself on the weekend and you know my weakness - junk food!"

In theory...

"You've been away a long time."
"Yeah - I started listening to a couple of humans and time ran away with me."
"Must have been an interesting conversation."
"It was actually - they were talking about 'Chaos Theory' or more prosaically 'the Butterfly Effect' - hence why I became interested."
"What's that all about then?"
"Well, as an extreme example the idea is that a small action such as one of us beating our wings could have massive consequences such as a tornado on the other side of the world."
"I know - pretty amazing stuff right?"
"After all that they have done and they are trying to blame the state of the planet on us?!"
"No - I think you're slightly missing the point."
"Oh no - of course it's the butterflies' fault - how could I forget that we were the ones that developed a society almost entirely dependent on fossil fuels, that we were the ones who cut great swathes through the rainforests?! Typical of humans - looking to lay the blame at someone else's door.  They believe this stuff?!"
"Er, erm, hmmm.  I think maybe you are taking the example a little too literally.  The theory is more a mathematical one than necessarily about us beating our wings which is metaphorical at best..."
"Don't try and placate me.  I'm going flying - see if a few wing flaps can't cause a natural disaster or two. FLAP - take that tsunami, FLAP and that earthquake. IDIOTS!"

Follow the leader...

"Where are you three going?"
"Just heading over there."
"Can I come?"
"We're just going for a walk - nothing special."
"Yeah but it looks nice over there - I think I'll join you."
"You thought it looked nice here two minutes ago."

"Is he following us?"
"Oh for f*ck's sake.  He's such a f*cking sheep."
"I don't think I'm happy with my haircut."
"Oh shut up about it."

Filling in the gaps...

"What happened?!"
"Door to door marker-pen salesman."

It must be round here somewhere...

"Ok, so it looks like we're here - where now?"
"Due south.
"Due north."
"Come on."
"Due west."
"Stop it."
"Due east."
"No of course not.  Follow the sign.

Tourist trap...

"How did the shots for the new tourist brochure turn out?"
"I'm going to level with you - not well, not well at all."


"Oh hell.  I think I might have gone too far this time.  I caught the fish but where the hell am I? What does that sign say: 'Cordoba, Argentina'.  B*gger."

Build it and they will come...

"You built it here?!"
"Erm, yep.  They told me they were planning to build a housing estate."
"They were lying."
"Oh dear - how many in the congregation at the moment?"
"Last week it was three sheep and a crow.  Though I think one of the sheep was lost."

Understanding signs...

"'Beware - Flying Cars'?"
"'The length of the hypotenuse can be calculated using either Pythagorean Theorem or through reference to a car'?"

Ideas for songs...

"Listen 'ere John I've got an idea for a song title..."
"What's that then Paul?"
"'The long and winding road'. What do you think?"
"I think it's time to stop the drugs."

As the saying goes...

"What do you reckon we should do?"
"Let it lie I guess."

Day at the beach...

"Did you end up going to the beach today?"
"Yeah, me and a couple of the buoys."
"Any talent?"
"Not really - couple of nice looking birds but otherwise a bunch of dogs."

Feisty foliage...

"Oi, you just pricked me you prick."
"You're a prick."
"Who are you calling a prick, you prick."


"So, what do they call these?"
"Humans I think."
"Yeah - like monkeys with issues."