Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Main meal and afters...

"And what would Sir like to order?"
"Hmmm - tough decision - it all looks very tempting! I think though - I'll go for the Cholera."
"Excellent choice sir!"
"Well, I am trying to lose weight..."

Friday, 15 July 2011

Insider knowledge...

“Hello sir how can I help?”
“I think my wife is cheating on me.”
“Oh dear, oh dear – I hear this so often in my line of work. Ok. Well, first things first, maybe you could give me a few details about her? Let’s start with her name.”
“Sarah Jones.”
“Ok, can you give me a description?”
“Yes, she is about 5 foot 5, with short brown hair.”
“Green eyes?”
“A birthmark on her left breast?”
“Yes but how...”
“Details are important sir. Please try to concentrate. Does she giggle softly when making love? Do her cheeks glow at your slightest touch? Does her body rise and fall slowly in the midst of passion as though the ebbing tide?”
“Well, obviously I will have to do some more research but I am afraid to say I have my suspicions…”

If you have a problem - if no one else can help...

"Mr Murdoch! Mr Murdoch! Do you now admit you made a mistake leaving the A-Team to start a media empire?"

Monday, 11 July 2011

Sometimes the clothes...

"I think the 'spot the accountant' competition may be a little easy this month..."

Monday, 21 March 2011

That sinking feeling...

"Oh wow - I didn't realise this was a seaplane!"
"It isn't."

Friday, 14 January 2011

Time to bounce...

"I saw the wise old lady sat there as I had many times before but that day she called me over -
'I know you think me dotty and old' she said. 'Not I' replied I. 'Well, never mind, for once I was considered wise, this will likely come as a surprise.' 'I consider not.' I considered. 'Wisdom is learned' she continued. 'I understand.' I understood.  'Listen now and listen well for a lesson I will teach and a lesson you will learn.' 'Pray continue.' I continued.  'In life it is important to carry yourself always with grace. To hold one's head high, to stand up straight, to flow into a room and command the attention of all who are there.  To have grace, to be graceful. This is key.' 'But what' said I 'is grace?' She looked at me and laughed, the corners of her mouth curled slowly upwards in satisfaction as her eyes twinkled with the memories of younger days and slowly, emerging from her reverie, she whispered softly 'drunken men in suits on a trampoline.' Closing her eyes she leant back in her chair with a contented grin and trumped."

Saturday, 25 September 2010

In need of a back story...

"So you'd like to audition for the show?"
"Well, most importantly can you sing?"
"I really think so - my voice has been described as a cross between Etta James and Billie Holiday."
"Never heard of either of them. A couple more questions.  How old are you?"
"Do you have any children?"
"Oh, well, never mind.  Has anyone in your family recently died from or been diagnosed with a serious illness?"
"Ah, shame. Let's try something else - are you from a broken home? Do you claim benefits? Do you have a criminal or educational record that precludes you from employment?"
"No, no and no."
"Problematic.  One last question - could you say on camera with genuine belief and without a hint of irony or sarcasm that the X Factor would be your 'last chance'?"
"'Last chance' for what?"
"Fame, fortune, meaning in your life, a future for you and your family, to make anything of yourself."
"Obviously not, no.  That's ridiculous."
"You would think so wouldn't you. I'm sorry - you're just not the type of person we're looking for."

Friday, 24 September 2010

Trying times...

"How are things with you?"
"I have just been so busy! I mean just literally drowning in paperwork.  This new job has taken over my life!"
"It's always the same isn't it.  Work, work, work."
"Amen to that."
"How are things at home?"
"What do you mean - I thought you had just had your first child?"
"We have - I ended up missing the birth and if work gets any worse I think next time I'll probably miss the conception!"
"Was that a joke?"
"Yep. Sorry.  Things are fine."

Like for like...

"Friday, once again!  That must mean it's time for a game show tribute!"
"This week I think we will play: 'Blankety Blank'.  I'll say a sentence replacing one of the words with a 'BLANK' and you have to say what you think the missing word is - sound OK?"
"Sounds brilliant! Go ahead."

"First sentence:  Luckily the man wasn't injured as the live bullet had been replaced by a BLANK.  I'll repeat: Luckily the man wasn't injured as the live bullet had been replaced by a BLANK."
"No, nope - you see, no - you did hear the rules correctly didn't you?  You're supposed to replace the 'blank' with the word you think fits best."
"I know."
"Not on that evidence.  The answer was 'dummy round'.  Let's try again."

"Due to a good year at work the boss said he would write a BLANK cheque for the Christmas party budget.  Due to a good year at work the boss said he would write a BLANK cheque for the Christmas party budget."
"No, 'big'. Let's try one final time." 

"My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby but things aren't working out.  She hasn't fallen pregnant and says I'm stressed and firing BLANKs.  My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby but things aren't working out.  She hasn't fallen pregnant and says I'm stressed and firing BLANKs."
"No! the answer was 'too many employees'.  I give up."

Difficult to judge...

"I'm bored! Do you fancy playing a game?"
"Yeah - could do - what do you have in mind?"
"Maybe a quick quiz?"
"I like it!"
"How about I be question master and then I'll give you a score at the end?"
"Sounds good."

"Ok, here goes.  Question 1 - what do you call the method of moving the ball from one player to another in football?"
"On completion of their training soldiers are said to 'what' out?"
"When trying to seduce members of the opposite sex one person may be said to make a 'what' at another person?"
"In order to gain access to the VIP area of a concert you often need a backstage 'what'?"
"What is the traditional reply used in a quiz when a contestant doesn't know an answer?"

"Oh, unlucky.  You scored 0 points with 5 passes. Better luck next time."
"You're an idiot."

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Complicated entertainment...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah - I get the joke.  I wear the clothes, I work in media (paper round) and I live in East London but because I'm laughing ironically I'm not a dickhead, right?"

Two wrongs...

"Old Darwin's theory is looking a bit shaky these days..."

Taking on all comers...

"READ ALL ABOUT IT! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Britain in midst of AIDS epidemic due to indoctrinated views on contraception!"
"That's not what I meant by 'third world' and you know it isn't."

Saturday, 11 September 2010

There must be a punchline...

"With each new series of Strictly the euthanasia debate rears it's head once more..."

Unlikely treatment...

"I've had one script come through that might be of interest."
"Go on." 
"The basic premise is that you play a character very similar to Lara Croft who travels round the world's poorest regions drugging pregnant women, administering C-sections and taking the babies.  Madonna is producing.  The working title is 'Womb Raider'..."
"You're fired."

Friday, 10 September 2010

Hair raising...

"Yeah, it came with matching bottoms but I'm not really into that 'retro' look..."

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Under no illusions...

"Derren, I've got to level with you - I thought your 'Hero at 30,000 feet' show was bad.  Really, really bad. "
"Did you?"
"But did you?"
"Yes, but did you?"
"Derren, now listen to me.  Listen to me carefully.  In fact - to help you understand I am going to tap out the letters - you'll be familiar with this technique - your show was S (tap) H (tap) I (tap) T (tap)."

Corporate speak...

"So, what does the Apple represent?"
"It's really representative of a number of things: your soul, your capacity to make individual choices, your wallet, your ability to be interesting in social situations."

Friday, 3 September 2010

Are you dancing...

"We can dance if you want to."
"I don't want to dance."
"We can leave your friends behind."
"Eh? But I just got here - let me at least get a drink first."
"'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine."
"It's 7.30, we're all sober and the DJ doesn't come one for another 3 hours. WHO ARE YOU? LEAVE ME ALONE!"

A fruitless encounter...

"Yep. Malaysia this time. Yep. There's been another misunderstanding..."

A long night to come...

"Are you worried we might get arrested?"
"For what exactly?"
"'Loitering within tent!'"
"Can you pass me the knife..."

Ugly in pink...

"You know when you look at a collection and just think 'yes, I could wear that'?"
"Totally.  This year the collections have been so - wearable."
"I couldn't agree more.  The collections really feature clothes that you want to wear."
"Saying that I'm not sure I've got the legs for some of those super skinny jeans though..."
"OH STOP IT! You have gorgeous legs!"
"You really think so?"
"Totally.  If you can't wear something then I have no chance!"
"Now you're just being silly - I get so jealous of the way clothes fit on you."
"That's very kind of you to say."
"Listen to you two - perfect figures and such slender legs - you are like models! Spare a thought for poor old me!"
"Yeah, you're right, sorry we didn't think."
"Oh, er, erm..."
"No sorry - that was out of line - really you can hardly notice the weight you've put on recently."
"What weight?"
"Oh it's hardly any - just a bit round the body. Oh, and the legs."

Shady practice...

"As I suspected he's suffering from a rare but relatively minor infection that can be easily treated with a course of antibiotics."
"Oh that is wonderful news.  We feared the worse, we really did.  Can you prescribe the antibiotics?"
"It really would be my pleasure to do so...but...I only have one batch left and I was hoping to sell them for quite a decent price as it happens."
"But my son?!"
"Yes indeed, quite, alas without the drugs the prognosis is rather bleak."
"So give him the medicine! Didn't you take an oath when you became a doctor to act in your patients' best interests?!"
"Indeed you are quite right - well, at least I should have done - alas my tutor was dyslexic and I ended up swearing always to be a hypocrite..."

Lessons never learned...

"Wait, wait, wait - so what you're telling me is that there is a way of carrying paper documents without revealing their contents?! Why wasn't I informed?!"

Thursday, 2 September 2010

I don't like cricket...

"Bit of a clanger with that old 'tweet' eh?"
"It came out in the way that I didn't want it to come out."
"Sorry, I don't follow you."
"It wasn't meant for the public domain, I apologise for it entering the public domain."
"Now you've completely lost me.  You didn't think something posted on Twitter would enter the public domain?"

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Neighbourhood watch...

"I've just had a call on the Batphone - looks like there's someone in trouble downtown!"
"I love you Batman."
"Sorry Robin?"
"Nothing, sorry, just saying maybe we should go then."
"Oh, right, well yes we should."
"My Spidey senses are also on full alert - time to head for some action."
"NO! Not until we get this sodding photo done - now everyone hold still."
"But there could be people in trouble!"
"There's going to be some people in serious trouble right here if you don't shut up and hold still."
"He gets very tetchy these days old Mr America doesn't he?"
"I think it's probably due to being a superpower only in name. Yeah, I can do political. Cope"

Monday, 30 August 2010

Wren never had this problem...

"I actually think it's pretty tasteful."
"You sound surprised?"
"Well, it's just that the guidebook said it was gaudy."
"Oh my..."

There's no point even asking...

"So, I just got to Buenos Aires -  yep, it looks like there's been another misunderstanding..."

Must be a Creationist then...

"Do not talk to me about f*cking Darwin. I have a hard-shelled back, a furry belly and my front two legs not only resemble twigs but they are also far too long for my body. The guy takes one holiday and thinks he knows it all. Survival of the f*cking fittest my ar*e (wherever that may be)."

Whispers in the wind...

"I think someone just called me paranoid..."

Thursday, 26 August 2010


"Ha! Looks like he was a nice guy!"
"Please don't."
"Better he never hurt anyone."
"Look, I know what you're about to say and I promise you it won't be funny and will make me think significantly less of you as a person."
"In fact I reckon he was completely 'armless'."
"Part of me just died.  That said he must have annoyed someone because it looks like he was 'lamped'."
"I don't get it."
"No, I didn't think you would."

The benefit of proper research...

"Sing it with me: 'Down at the Copa - Copacabana!' What time should we head out for our nocturnal adventures? I cannot wait!"
"I've just been looking on the web and it is says 'the title of the Barry Manilow song 'Copacabana' refers to a New York nightclub of the same name..."
"So, not Copacabana, Bolivia then?"
"It would appear not."

The truth is out there...

"Between a cat roaring like a lion hiding in a wheelie bin and cars reversing at pace down the road it was a bit of a strange day..."

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Reading the signs...

"'Questions about the use of cowboy hats should be directed to the tourist office.'"
"'Inquisitive hat wearers follow the tourists.'"
"No sorry, not a clue."

The truth hurts...

"Babe, babe! Look at that rock - bit phallic if know what I mean?!"
"Yeah! Reminds me of my ex!"
"Knew you'd spot it...wait, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

Monday, 23 August 2010

Boys will be boys...

"What are you up to at the weekend?"
"Oh yeah - meant to tell you - me and a couple of the boys are off to Amsterdam."
"Really? What's the occasion?"
"Do you know Dave? I think you must have met him at some point.  We quite often go rutting together.  Anyways, turns out he's met the girl of his dreams and has decided to settle down and get married so we're all going away to celebrate his last weekend of "freedom"."
"What did you just do with your hooves?
"Sorry, I was trying to do speechmarks for ironic emphasis.  Not easy when you stand on all fours and don't have fingers."
"Oh, right. So, the weekend away should be fun.  Don't those human types have a name for weekends like that - you know where all the men meet up before a wedding?"
"Not that i'm aware of."
"They definitely do - what is it?!"
"Sorry mate - I haven't got a clue. "

Allergic reaction...

"Er, yeah, so, erm - I agree this is what the leaflet promised but if I'm being truthful it's not quite what I was hoping for..."

Idiomatic neutrality; stereotypical nationality...

"Am I Swiss? No. Why do you ask?"

Sunday, 22 August 2010

In need of support...

"I know I don't move very quickly but this is f*cking ridiculous..."

She sure ain't purty...

"So, I'm at the top of the observation tower..."
"Oh yes, what a beauty! 525 feet in the air, 360 degree observation platform and perilous glass floors!"
"Quite.  You know what we forgot though?"
"No, I can't think what."
'The views."

Anyone fancy a drink...

"So, I just got to Barbados - I think there's been a misunderstanding..."

Saturday, 21 August 2010

My hands are tied...

"I just remember waking up the next day and thinking that my wrists were sore but also how that wasn't necessarily that unusual."

Friday, 20 August 2010

Out of the blue...

"If I'm honest there is no way I could have predicted how 'reverse diving' would change my life."
"You've certainly travelled extensively and dived in some fairly glamorous locations?"
"Oh for sure.  Fortunately I'm a bit of a cultural chameleon and feel equally at home in say a Starbucks in London as I do one in New York or even Hong Kong."
"Wow - I suppose."
"I guess next you're going to ask me for a funny story from my travels?"
"Well I do remember this one time now you ask.  As you would expect 'reverse diving' makes some incredible demands on your body and staying in shape is hugely important.  So there I am in deepest darkest wherever the hell it was and this little kid says to me: 'Oh you from London you live near River Fames'.  I said 'I think you are mistaken little boy - yes I live in London but nowhere near a River Fames', to which he said 'but mister big river in London called the Fames', now this had me perplexed for a while and then I suddenly thought he means the Thames! I laughed for a good long time about that one - I mean the 'River Fames'?!"

You've got it all backwards...

"A lot of people have asked me why I got into reverse diving and my reply is always the same:  the challenge.  There is something so rewarding about achieving a goal especially when it has never been done before.  That really appeals to me.  Yes, the training was hard and no, you don't get a lot of time for distractions but in the end it's all worth the effort."

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Winners don't get wet...

"I guess I wasn't initially aware of having a 'talent' per se it was more a case of realising that other people didn't.  That's one of my favourite quotes."
"Really? Who said that?"
"I did."
"Oh, right.  So, the video?"
"Yeah.  If I'm honest the day the video was shot is still a bit of a blur - I'd been so focussed on preparing that it all ended up happening very quickly.  I remember thinking I was in good shape, I'd stayed off the booze to keep my reactions sharp and my new diet ensured I had the requisite stamina. I can remember thinking that it was going well from the start - the initial dips and leg thrusts felt good and the only unknown was the ball throw.  Fortunately it was delivered perfectly; my eyes locked on and the feeling when ball connected with shin was one I will never forget."

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Toxic leak...

"I think I just killed a canary..."

Just say "No"...

"You don't think it's a little negative do you?"

For the love of fish...

"So - spill the beans - how did it go with that girl I saw you swimming with last night?"
"Really well actually, we had a good chat and things were going well..."
"...I don't know - sometimes it's just difficult to read the signs - you know?"
"Don't.  Don't even dare."
"You know what I mean?  She seemed keen but she also seemed a bit shy."
"Stop it. Don't say another word.  For the sake of our friendship shut up."
"I figure maybe she was just being COY!"
"And there it had to didn't you?  If I wasn't able to breathe under water I'd drown myself right now."

Into the den...

"Right - so tell me - what are your projected sales this year and then your forecast turnover for next year and the year after?"
"No se."
"Come on now.  You must know the costs to manufacture?  Take your sales price less your costs and multiply by the number of empanadas you expect to sell."
"No se."
"Stop saying that.  I don't know how you can expect to sell me the oddity of a savoury snack covered in icing sugar and not even have this basic information to hand.  This is too much for me.  I'm out."

"You know what?  I like the two of you - I see something of the younger me in you.  Now you're asking for 5 pesos for three empanadas.  I am going to give you the 5 pesos but I don't want three empanadas rather I want the entirety of your current stock, any associated recipes, all future profits and whilst we're here that umbrella as well.  Do we have a deal?"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Caged animal...

"'How much is that doggy in the window, the one with...'"
"Don't. Do not even think about it.  Shut up. Shut the f*ck up."

My message shall be heard...

"You don't think i've - you know - gone too far?"
"What?! No way."
"Phew.  I just thought maybe I'd overdone it slightly."
"Not at all. The message needs to be heard."
"Thank you.  I needed to hear that. Without my belief I don't think I could have ever got over the death of that child."
"Sorry?  What child?"
"Oh - I didn't tell you? Yeah - the other week I reversed over this kid - I don't know where he came from - I just didn't see him!"

Monday, 16 August 2010

Side street diner...

"Wow! You're looking well."
"Well thank you.  How very kind of you to say."
"New diet?"
"Indeed and a new fitness regime.  You've actually caught me pigging out - I figure if I am good all week I can treat myself on the weekend and you know my weakness - junk food!"

In theory...

"You've been away a long time."
"Yeah - I started listening to a couple of humans and time ran away with me."
"Must have been an interesting conversation."
"It was actually - they were talking about 'Chaos Theory' or more prosaically 'the Butterfly Effect' - hence why I became interested."
"What's that all about then?"
"Well, as an extreme example the idea is that a small action such as one of us beating our wings could have massive consequences such as a tornado on the other side of the world."
"I know - pretty amazing stuff right?"
"After all that they have done and they are trying to blame the state of the planet on us?!"
"No - I think you're slightly missing the point."
"Oh no - of course it's the butterflies' fault - how could I forget that we were the ones that developed a society almost entirely dependent on fossil fuels, that we were the ones who cut great swathes through the rainforests?! Typical of humans - looking to lay the blame at someone else's door.  They believe this stuff?!"
"Er, erm, hmmm.  I think maybe you are taking the example a little too literally.  The theory is more a mathematical one than necessarily about us beating our wings which is metaphorical at best..."
"Don't try and placate me.  I'm going flying - see if a few wing flaps can't cause a natural disaster or two. FLAP - take that tsunami, FLAP and that earthquake. IDIOTS!"

Follow the leader...

"Where are you three going?"
"Just heading over there."
"Can I come?"
"We're just going for a walk - nothing special."
"Yeah but it looks nice over there - I think I'll join you."
"You thought it looked nice here two minutes ago."

"Is he following us?"
"Oh for f*ck's sake.  He's such a f*cking sheep."
"I don't think I'm happy with my haircut."
"Oh shut up about it."

Filling in the gaps...

"What happened?!"
"Door to door marker-pen salesman."

It must be round here somewhere...

"Ok, so it looks like we're here - where now?"
"Due south.
"Due north."
"Come on."
"Due west."
"Stop it."
"Due east."
"No of course not.  Follow the sign.

Tourist trap...

"How did the shots for the new tourist brochure turn out?"
"I'm going to level with you - not well, not well at all."


"Oh hell.  I think I might have gone too far this time.  I caught the fish but where the hell am I? What does that sign say: 'Cordoba, Argentina'.  B*gger."