Saturday, 25 September 2010

In need of a back story...

"So you'd like to audition for the show?"
"Well, most importantly can you sing?"
"I really think so - my voice has been described as a cross between Etta James and Billie Holiday."
"Never heard of either of them. A couple more questions.  How old are you?"
"Do you have any children?"
"Oh, well, never mind.  Has anyone in your family recently died from or been diagnosed with a serious illness?"
"Ah, shame. Let's try something else - are you from a broken home? Do you claim benefits? Do you have a criminal or educational record that precludes you from employment?"
"No, no and no."
"Problematic.  One last question - could you say on camera with genuine belief and without a hint of irony or sarcasm that the X Factor would be your 'last chance'?"
"'Last chance' for what?"
"Fame, fortune, meaning in your life, a future for you and your family, to make anything of yourself."
"Obviously not, no.  That's ridiculous."
"You would think so wouldn't you. I'm sorry - you're just not the type of person we're looking for."

Friday, 24 September 2010

Trying times...

"How are things with you?"
"I have just been so busy! I mean just literally drowning in paperwork.  This new job has taken over my life!"
"It's always the same isn't it.  Work, work, work."
"Amen to that."
"How are things at home?"
"What do you mean - I thought you had just had your first child?"
"We have - I ended up missing the birth and if work gets any worse I think next time I'll probably miss the conception!"
"Was that a joke?"
"Yep. Sorry.  Things are fine."

Like for like...

"Friday, once again!  That must mean it's time for a game show tribute!"
"This week I think we will play: 'Blankety Blank'.  I'll say a sentence replacing one of the words with a 'BLANK' and you have to say what you think the missing word is - sound OK?"
"Sounds brilliant! Go ahead."

"First sentence:  Luckily the man wasn't injured as the live bullet had been replaced by a BLANK.  I'll repeat: Luckily the man wasn't injured as the live bullet had been replaced by a BLANK."
"No, nope - you see, no - you did hear the rules correctly didn't you?  You're supposed to replace the 'blank' with the word you think fits best."
"I know."
"Not on that evidence.  The answer was 'dummy round'.  Let's try again."

"Due to a good year at work the boss said he would write a BLANK cheque for the Christmas party budget.  Due to a good year at work the boss said he would write a BLANK cheque for the Christmas party budget."
"No, 'big'. Let's try one final time." 

"My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby but things aren't working out.  She hasn't fallen pregnant and says I'm stressed and firing BLANKs.  My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby but things aren't working out.  She hasn't fallen pregnant and says I'm stressed and firing BLANKs."
"No! the answer was 'too many employees'.  I give up."

Difficult to judge...

"I'm bored! Do you fancy playing a game?"
"Yeah - could do - what do you have in mind?"
"Maybe a quick quiz?"
"I like it!"
"How about I be question master and then I'll give you a score at the end?"
"Sounds good."

"Ok, here goes.  Question 1 - what do you call the method of moving the ball from one player to another in football?"
"On completion of their training soldiers are said to 'what' out?"
"When trying to seduce members of the opposite sex one person may be said to make a 'what' at another person?"
"In order to gain access to the VIP area of a concert you often need a backstage 'what'?"
"What is the traditional reply used in a quiz when a contestant doesn't know an answer?"

"Oh, unlucky.  You scored 0 points with 5 passes. Better luck next time."
"You're an idiot."

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Complicated entertainment...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah - I get the joke.  I wear the clothes, I work in media (paper round) and I live in East London but because I'm laughing ironically I'm not a dickhead, right?"

Two wrongs...

"Old Darwin's theory is looking a bit shaky these days..."

Taking on all comers...

"READ ALL ABOUT IT! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Britain in midst of AIDS epidemic due to indoctrinated views on contraception!"
"That's not what I meant by 'third world' and you know it isn't."

Saturday, 11 September 2010

There must be a punchline...

"With each new series of Strictly the euthanasia debate rears it's head once more..."

Unlikely treatment...

"I've had one script come through that might be of interest."
"Go on." 
"The basic premise is that you play a character very similar to Lara Croft who travels round the world's poorest regions drugging pregnant women, administering C-sections and taking the babies.  Madonna is producing.  The working title is 'Womb Raider'..."
"You're fired."

Friday, 10 September 2010

Hair raising...

"Yeah, it came with matching bottoms but I'm not really into that 'retro' look..."

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Under no illusions...

"Derren, I've got to level with you - I thought your 'Hero at 30,000 feet' show was bad.  Really, really bad. "
"Did you?"
"But did you?"
"Yes, but did you?"
"Derren, now listen to me.  Listen to me carefully.  In fact - to help you understand I am going to tap out the letters - you'll be familiar with this technique - your show was S (tap) H (tap) I (tap) T (tap)."

Corporate speak...

"So, what does the Apple represent?"
"It's really representative of a number of things: your soul, your capacity to make individual choices, your wallet, your ability to be interesting in social situations."

Friday, 3 September 2010

Are you dancing...

"We can dance if you want to."
"I don't want to dance."
"We can leave your friends behind."
"Eh? But I just got here - let me at least get a drink first."
"'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine."
"It's 7.30, we're all sober and the DJ doesn't come one for another 3 hours. WHO ARE YOU? LEAVE ME ALONE!"

A fruitless encounter...

"Yep. Malaysia this time. Yep. There's been another misunderstanding..."

A long night to come...

"Are you worried we might get arrested?"
"For what exactly?"
"'Loitering within tent!'"
"Can you pass me the knife..."

Ugly in pink...

"You know when you look at a collection and just think 'yes, I could wear that'?"
"Totally.  This year the collections have been so - wearable."
"I couldn't agree more.  The collections really feature clothes that you want to wear."
"Saying that I'm not sure I've got the legs for some of those super skinny jeans though..."
"OH STOP IT! You have gorgeous legs!"
"You really think so?"
"Totally.  If you can't wear something then I have no chance!"
"Now you're just being silly - I get so jealous of the way clothes fit on you."
"That's very kind of you to say."
"Listen to you two - perfect figures and such slender legs - you are like models! Spare a thought for poor old me!"
"Yeah, you're right, sorry we didn't think."
"Oh, er, erm..."
"No sorry - that was out of line - really you can hardly notice the weight you've put on recently."
"What weight?"
"Oh it's hardly any - just a bit round the body. Oh, and the legs."

Shady practice...

"As I suspected he's suffering from a rare but relatively minor infection that can be easily treated with a course of antibiotics."
"Oh that is wonderful news.  We feared the worse, we really did.  Can you prescribe the antibiotics?"
"It really would be my pleasure to do so...but...I only have one batch left and I was hoping to sell them for quite a decent price as it happens."
"But my son?!"
"Yes indeed, quite, alas without the drugs the prognosis is rather bleak."
"So give him the medicine! Didn't you take an oath when you became a doctor to act in your patients' best interests?!"
"Indeed you are quite right - well, at least I should have done - alas my tutor was dyslexic and I ended up swearing always to be a hypocrite..."

Lessons never learned...

"Wait, wait, wait - so what you're telling me is that there is a way of carrying paper documents without revealing their contents?! Why wasn't I informed?!"

Thursday, 2 September 2010

I don't like cricket...

"Bit of a clanger with that old 'tweet' eh?"
"It came out in the way that I didn't want it to come out."
"Sorry, I don't follow you."
"It wasn't meant for the public domain, I apologise for it entering the public domain."
"Now you've completely lost me.  You didn't think something posted on Twitter would enter the public domain?"

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Neighbourhood watch...

"I've just had a call on the Batphone - looks like there's someone in trouble downtown!"
"I love you Batman."
"Sorry Robin?"
"Nothing, sorry, just saying maybe we should go then."
"Oh, right, well yes we should."
"My Spidey senses are also on full alert - time to head for some action."
"NO! Not until we get this sodding photo done - now everyone hold still."
"But there could be people in trouble!"
"There's going to be some people in serious trouble right here if you don't shut up and hold still."
"He gets very tetchy these days old Mr America doesn't he?"
"I think it's probably due to being a superpower only in name. Yeah, I can do political. Cope"